Bullying - How can You Support Your Child.

I was on my way to do school pick up and the headline news on the radio was - "Parents are missing the signs of their child being bullied".  Then the following article written by the school principal appeared in the schools newsletter: "What can we do as Parents to help Eliminate Bullying?"

I have shared the article below as helping children who have been and are being bullied is something close to my heart.  From what I have experienced children don't tell their parents, so it is important to learn how to read and connect with your child to pick up the signs. 

After working with a number of children I did create the Safe, Secure and Strong essence to help children to feel supported and safe to share their emotions and experiences with a safe adult.  The feedback I have received from parents after using the essence has been wonderful and I grateful that these children are getting help so early in their life. 

I don't necessarily believe that we can Eliminate Bullying, yet I do believe that we can empower our children with ways to handle a bullying situation.  I also believe that we can heal from the damage that bullying can do to our self confidence and self esteem.

What can we do as Parents to help Eliminate Bullying? - by Matthew Cole

The latest research shows that bullying remains an issue in our society, either as a perpetrator, victim, or both. And many of those who are not directly involved witness others being bullied. No child is ever immune — kids of every race, gender, grade and socio-economic sector are impacted. But it doesn’t have to be this way.

As parents we have the power to help reduce bullying.

1. Talk with and listen to your kids—everyday. Research shows that adults are often the last to know when children are bullied or bully others. You can encourage your children to buck that trend by engaging in frequent conversations about their social lives. Spend a few minutes every day asking open ended questions about who they spend time with at school and in the neighbourhood, what they do in between classes and at recess, who they have lunch with, or what happens on the way to and from school. If your children feel comfortable talking to you about their peers before they’re involved in a bullying event, they’ll be much more likely to get you involved after.

2. Spend time at school and recess. Research shows that 67% of bullying happens when adults are not present. Schools don’t have the resources to do it all and need parents’ help in reducing bullying. Whether you can volunteer once a week or once a month, you can make a real difference just by being present and helping to organise games and activities that encourage kids to play with new friends. Be sure to coordinate your volunteer time with your child’s teacher and/or principal.

3. Be a good example of kindness and leadership. Your kids learn a lot about relationships from watching you. When you get angry at a waiter, a sales clerk, another driver on the road, or even your child, you have a great opportunity to model effective communication techniques. Don’t blow it by blowing your top! Any time you speak to another person in a mean or abusive way, you’re teaching your child that bullying is OK.

4. Learn the signs. Most children don't tell anyone (especially adults) that they've been bullied. It is therefore important for parents and teachers to learn to recognise possible signs of being victimized, such as frequent loss of personal belongings, complaints of headaches or stomach-aches, avoiding recess or school activities, and getting to school very late or very early. If you suspect that a child might be being bullied, talk with the child’s teacher or find ways to observe his peer interactions to determine whether or not your suspicions might be correct. Talk directly to your child about what is going on at school.

5. Create healthy anti-bullying habits early. Help develop anti-bullying and anti-victimization habits early in your children—as early as preschool and kindergarten. Coach your children on what not to do—hitting, pushing, teasing, "saying na-na-na-na-na," or being mean to others. Help your child to focus on how such actions might feel to the child on the receiving end (e.g., “How do you think you would feel if that happened to you?”). Such strategies can enhance empathy for others. Equally if not more important, teach your children what to do—kindness, empathy, fair play, and turn-taking are critical skills for good peer relations. Children also need to learn how to say "no" firmly if they experience or witness bullying behaviour. Coach your child about what to do if other kids are mean—get an adult right away, tell the child who is teasing or bullying to "stop," walk away, ignore the bully and find someone else to play with. It may help to role play what to do with your child.

And repetition helps: go over these techniques periodically with your kindergarten and school aged children.

Why are we so frightened of being different?

Reflecting back at a conversation I had with a mum about her 6 year old son, I came to realise that as parents many of us fear nonconformity. 

My 4 year old son was having swimming lessons at the time and this little boy was sitting next to me and we were chatting.  He was passionately telling me about all things he loves to create.  He was an amazingly happy creative little soul.  His mother asked if I was a school teacher as I was very good with kids.   I responded with “No, your son just reminds me of my little guy” and she proceed to tell me all the challenges her son was having at school.  Her son was very much at a stage that he wished to express himself creatively and was finding it difficult to apply his creative expression to his school work.  I shared some of the things that I had found helpful with my very creative son.  At the end of the conversation she shared that her son was learning how to play football and he hated it.  I said “Why not just stop then?”  Her response was “Every boy loves to play football and my job as a parent is to teach my son to fit in to society.”

It didn’t dawn on me until years later how easy it is to feel the pressure of conformity, particularly when it comes to your children.  At a deeper level as adults we carry this fear of rejection and abandonment so we don’t wish that on our children.  We don't want them to miss out on "opportunities" in life and feel left out.  We want them to have the skills to achieve what they want in life.  To save them from that pain we try our utmost to teach them to fit with expectations.  We want them to “fit” with their peers and to be accepted by their peers.  We constantly refer back to the “normal” developmental miles stones so that we can rectify quickly any deviations.  We have this system of learning and development that we follow and what happens if your child doesn’t want to follow that system?  How does society cater for that?

I struggle everyday between nurturing what my children are passionate about and inspiring them to learn knowing that they may not be fitting in with “developmental milestones”.  I want my children to live with a sense of purpose and passion and the is what I nurture at home.  Yet it is not necessarily what is being nurtured in the world out there.

Change happens when we push against conformity. New ideas are born when we challenge the status quo.  We inspire others when we lead from our own inspiration.  Each day I battle internally as to how to raise children who have the courage to be different, when I didn’t have that courage at their age.  Our children are trying to challenge the status quo in their own way, yet we as parents are having our own internal battle with the belief system we were raised with.....to conform.

The Fairy Tale - Happy Ever After

Did you grow up with fairy tales that taught you that your knight in shining armour would rescue you and you would live happy ever after?  I did and I was sadly disappointed when my knight came riding in and my life didn’t have the ending I was expecting. 

It concerns me when I hear girls say, I just need to find the “right” guy and then I will be happy.  We seem to be teaching our children to place their happiness in someone else’s hands.  What a responsibility to hand over to someone else.  How does someone else “make” you happy when you have no idea for yourself what makes you happy?

Have you ever been that person trying to make someone else happy?  Were you stressed from jumping through hoops trying to work out what the other person wanted and needed?

We are bombard with advertising and television shows suggesting if we have this or do that we will then be happy.  We all seem to be in pursuit of "happiness".

Happiness is a personal thing, so if you teach our child to think and feel for themselves they will have a better sense of what is right for them and what makes them happy. It will empower them to realise that they are responsible for their own happiness and it is not the responsibility of someone else to "make them happy".

The key is to teach kids to acknowledge their feelings.  When we are disconnected from our emotions it is really hard to find the happiness that resides in all of us, so we tend to go looking for happiness outside of ourselves.

How do you embrace happiness in your life?